| A Abbot, Bud - Overworked, underpaid straight-man to arguably the unfunniest comic in film and stage history. Can you even imagine how depressingly tragic this man's life must have been? Well, it might have been, if he had possessed even the slightest whiff of talent. Alum - There must be hundreds of cartoons from the forties and fifties in which one of the characters swallows alum, either by accident, or he is poisoned1 by some little rat. Then his head shrinks, and his voice becomes high pitched. Maybe if we had the slightest clue what alum is (and why it was sitting around the house in the first place) this would be funny. But that’s not likely, is it? * See Poison. Also definitely not funny. Arrow through the head - As Mr. Martin correctly pointed out, this gag is only funny when used to demonstrate how truly unfunny it really is, except to Native Americans, of course. B Banana peel, Slipping on a - Possibly the most repeated sight gag of all. It makes you wonder, was it funny the first time? Probably not. Belching and Farting - These activities are particularly enjoyed by twelve-year-old males. The odds of a twelve-year-old male getting laid are about 1 in 12 billion. A statistic you might want to ponder the next time you feel the urge to rip off a juicy one in company. Bob and Tom - This is a syndicated early morning radio show consisting of sophomoric humor full of thinly veiled sexual innuendoes. Did I say "thinly veiled"? Crotchless is more like it. These guys are juvenile Howard Sterns. I guess it is better than The Farm Report at Six A.M., unless you're a farmer. Butt, Shooting in the - How many times have you seen someone shot in the ass by either a gun or bow and arrow (or whatever) and they hop around going ooh ooh for about 15 seconds, by which time they are miraculously healed? Not funny. I bet it would hurt like hell, and then you would die from blood loss. I think Freud might have some interesting thoughts about this subject. C Cake in the face - Ever wonder how many marriages were doomed from the start because of this cute little prank? Carrot Top- Looking funny and being funny are not the same thing, Bozo. Clowns - The two most famous clowns are Bozo and Ronald McDonald. Can you tell them apart? Has either one ever done anything even remotely funny? D Dead people - Hey! I've got a great idea. Let's make a movie about these two buffoons who haul a dead guy around a resort with them all weekend. They can even put him on water skis. Are you with me on this? Disney, Walt - Maker of the unfunniest cartoons ever. Why? Not enough senseless violence. Ducks - Wasn't that hilarious when Daffy got his bill shot off? If it was so damned funny, why didn't Donald use it? Oh yeah, Disney would never use violence to animals to evoke guffaws from the kiddies. E Eggs - Actually, eggs perform a valuable service. If you are watching a show and you're not sure if it's a comedy or not, just wait for the eggs to come out. If anyone handles eggs, at least one of the eggs will break on someone's head and run down his face. That's comedy. Elephant jokes - Q: How can you tell if an elephant has changed the light bulb in your refrigerator? A: Light bulb jokes aren't funny either. |
| F Family Circle – Obviously not even slightly funny. My theory is that this tripe is placed in the “comic” section so that everyone can enjoy the sense of feeling smug and superior to all the other sorry dweebs who read it. Fat people - Fat people are not funny. Fat people are disgusting and pathetic. Female impersonators - Yeah right, let's encourage mental illness by laughing at it. Fonts - This is written in Comic Sans. Do we remember our French? Voila! G Gandhi, Mahatma - Worst Groucho impression ever. Oh…, you say he wasn't trying to be funny? Then what's with the diaper? Germans - God - No sense of humor at all. Those practical jokes He played on Job were just plain mean. Gorilla suits - The only funny movie with a guy in a gorilla suit was King Kong. H Horns - You know, when they're taking that group shot, and someone holds two fingers in a vee shape behind some other poor sap’s head. I have recently learned that this is based on a very old tradition, having something to do with the horned one being a cuckold. Is that funny? Not really, but the word 'cuckold' is. Howard, Shemp - Every time I see him do his schtick I think, "Why doesn't somebody slap him?" I Idiots – Sure, idiots are a lot of fun to laugh at, but are they intrinsically funny? Technically speaking, no. **See Lewis, Jerry. J Jokes, Knock-knock – Knock knock. Who’s there? Bob. Come on in, Bob. K Kat - Nuf' sed.*** *** See Nuf' sed. Knock-knock jokes - Knock knock Go away. L Lewis, Jerry - Yeah, I know, I know, the French think he's hilarious. Since when did anyone ever value a Frenchman's opinion? We give them way to much credit just because they can speak French and we can't. M Milk comes out of your nose, Laughing so hard that - Try to avoid this. It really sucks. It's no fun to watch either. Never drink milk. Mimes - Don't bother laughing. I'm pretty sure they can't hear you. Monkeys, Barrel of - More fun than a barrel of monkeys? Depends. Are the monkeys dead or alive? |
| Seaucald Humor The Encyclopedia of Unfunniness © April 1, 2002, Viejo Seaucald |
| "I pity the fellow who has to create a dialect or paraphrase the dictionary to get laughs. I can't spell, but I have never stooped to spell cat with a 'k' to get at your funny bone. I love a drink, but I never encouraged drunkenness by harping on its alleged funny side." Mark Twain |
| Seaucald Humor The Encyclopedia of Unfunniness © April 1, 2002, Viejo Seaucald |
| N Noogies - This entry also includes Dutch Rubs, Gotcha's, Hot Foots, etc. Hurting other people is not only not funny, it's not nice. Stop it. Nuf' sed - Nuf' sed. Get it? O Old people – Old people deserve a lot of sympathy and respect. After all, they grew up laughing at Ritz Brothers’ (which see) movies. OK, scratch that “respect”. Do you want to have fun with old people? Pull up behind a bluehair, peering anxiously through the steering wheel while stopped at a red light, and blow your horn. See if you can get her to pull into the intersection while the light is still red. My mother used to love this one. P Poison – In countless film “comedies” the hapless protagonist accidentally drinks lye, or acid, or rat poison. Does he die a drawn out, agonizingly horrible death, flailing about on the floor, eyeballs bulging, screaming in agony? Is life fair? No. Puns, bad - Hey, there's no such thing as a "bad" pun. ed. Quasimodo – Ever see the “Hunchback of Notre Dame”? You know, the part where Quasimodo is crowned the “King of Fools” and absolutely everyone in the crowd is just laughing his ass off? Would a Frenchman1 think that a one-eyed, deaf, deformed, pathetic monster was funny? Mais oui! *See Lewis, Jerry. R Ritz Brothers, The – You’ve never heard of the Ritz Brothers? They made about a buzillion film comedies. Kind of sad, isn’t it? S Shakespeare - He wrote Comedies? How could Elizabethans laugh at that stuff and then walk around in those silly ruffled collars without even cracking a smile? Skelton, Red - He starred in a movie titled "I Dood It". Okay? Spit take – Spraying the contents of one’s mouth into the face of the nearest bystander is more than fairly disgusting, although I once saw a monkey do this to a family gawking through the bars of his cage at the zoo. That was sort of funny, but only because it didn’t happen to me. Steamrollers, Getting flattened by - Wow! This one is just plain creepy. Sometimes though, the flattened character would then curl up like a wood shaving. Now that's funny. T "That is so not funny": - An attempt at forcing humor by intentionally misusing "so" as a modifier for "not". That's right, this is so not funny too. Twins - Any story with a plot based on twin mix-ups can be counted on to be extraordinarily unfunny. Identical cousins though, that's different. U Ugly jokes - Enough with the coyote/grocery bag jokes! People, please, how about some political correctness and human compassion for the congenitally hideous? Underwear - Underwear can be many things. Funny is not one of them. |
V Valentine, My Funny - The most severely depressing song ever written. Vick's Vapo-Rub on your genitals - Trust me, this is no joke. W Wallpaper - Oscar Wilde, on his deathbed, "My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go." Oscar Wilde is funny. Wallpaper is not. Whassup! - Shuttup! Whoopee Cushions - Were these invented by Whoopi Goldberg, or was she just named after one? Either way, it figures. She's not funny either. X Xenophobic jokes - A Mick, a Dago, a Polock and a Kraut get on a plane, which, unlike this joke, is actually going somewhere. Xylophonic skeletons - You know, playing a macabre little ditty on the skeleton's ribs? Okay, this is a real stretch, but I needed something to pad the X's and you have to admit, it's not funny. Y Yosemite Sam - Absolutely no redeemable qualities. A real bastard. Youngman, Henny - Take your life, please. Z Zero (from Beetle Bailey) - Mort mines that measureless mother lode of mean-spirited mirth, morons. Editor's note: This entry is aimed at all you alliterates out there. Ziggy - Please refer to my theory regarding Family Circle. This comic strip though, has the added bonus of apparently being drawn by a retarded three-legged cat. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz - For some reason, this is cartoon code for snoring, or maybe just sleeping. Who knows? It makes about as much sense as showing a picture of a saw in a log. |